Inspiration 62

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Psalm 31:9 Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow dim with sorrow, my soul and body with grief.

When I was 25, I applied for a job at Magnolia Federal Bank (now defunct), and I had to do a psychological profile. At my interview, I was asked, "Do you really feel you've had more than your share of grief?" I answered, "Yes. I'm 25, and I've lost my mother, my father, my grandmother who basically raised me, my best friend, an uncle who doted on me, and my cousin who was like a sister to me. If I were 75, I would have answered no because those losses would be expected, but I'm too young to have had that much death in my life. So, yes, I feel as if I've had more than my share of grief at this stage of my life." 

We have all experienced grief. How we handle it is the measure of our person. Even at 25, I didn't give up on life, but I forged ahead. How do you handle grief?

Spirits' Desire has several instances of the characters grieving. I give you two excerpts: one from the 1600s and one from the 1800s.

1600s 

Holly whimpered in pain again and called for Cameron. He clutched her hand. "Cameron, take care of our baby. The baby is proof of how much we love each other."

Cameron fought his tears. "Holly, don't leave me. I can't live without you. I don't want to."

"Yes, you can. You must for our baby."

"But, Holly, I don't care if we ever have a baby. You are my life."

"No!" whispered Holly through clenched teeth. "Promise me. Give me your word. Cam, the baby is a part of me. Swear."

Cameron relented. "I promise I'll take care of our baby. I'll do what is best for him or her."

Holly squeezed Cameron's hand. "I love you so much."

Cameron rubbed Holly's hand against his cheek. "My beautiful Holly Berry." Tears dripped onto her hand.

She whispered, "Don't cry for me, Cameron. I have burned brightly, if briefly. I'm not afraid. I know where I am going."

The next sound Cameron heard was soft weak crying. "My baby," gasped Holly. "Please, let me hold my baby."

"It's a boy," whispered Morgan. "He's perfect."

Holly held the baby and gently touched his fingers and toes. "Cameron, let's name him."

"What do you want to call him?"

"What we agreed, Rowan—Rowan Patrick O'Rourke."

Cameron sat beside Holly and Rowan. He stroked her hair and laid his head against hers...

 During the morning Oliver and Anna prepared their little sister's body for burial. Cameron could not be found. Finally, in mid-afternoon, Cameron returned with Geoffrey, Talulah, and Talulah's wife, Lahoma.

Barely glancing at baby Rowan, Cameron handed him to Lahoma and simply muttered, "Thank you."

Rowan, who had screamed all morning, wailed loudly as the woman took him. In broken English Lahoma whispered, "All right, little man child. Lahoma care you." Lahoma opened her blouse and nursed the baby.

Talulah offered an explanation as Cameron laid his head on Holly's chest and fell asleep. "Lahoma and Talulah have stillborn child two days past. Lahoma agreed nurse Cameron's son. Lahoma stay Mom's Trading Post one year. So sorry Holly pass. Cameron's heart broken. Will mend."

Over the next several weeks, Cameron talked to no one except Donovan, who, having thought his wife might be dead once, tried to console his brother. Late one evening, Donovan came to Rennin and Morgan. "Momma, Daddy, I'm afraid for Cameron. He's so distraught, I'm afraid he might do something stupid."

"Such as?" asked Rennin in alarm.

"Kill himself. All he talks about is being with Holly, and he hates the baby. He blames Rowan for Holly's death."

Immediately after breakfast, Rennin knocked on Cameron's door. Lahoma let him in. He asked her, "Lahoma, will you wake Cameron?"

"Cameron no here. Cameron leave last night."

"What?"

"Him say give note in morning." Lahoma handed Rennin a folded piece of paper. Rennin unfolded the note and read:

Dear Daddy and Momma,

Once you have read this, I'm sure you will no longer care what I do, for you will wish to disown me as your son. It matters not to me. I cannot stay. I cannot watch Rowan grow, knowing Holly sacrificed herself for him. Holly was my life. I am dead inside, yet I am too cowardly to end my own life.

As for the baby, I am keeping my promise to Holly. I am doing what is best for him. The two of you are the best parents he could ever have. I am leaving the rings you made for Holly and me, Daddy. When Rowan is grown, give them to him and tell him that I loved his mother with all my heart. I am sorry that I cannot face him, but I grow angrier and colder each time I see him. My mind tells me I am wrong, but I cannot get past it.

Please forgive me and understand.

                                                                    Cameron        

"Forgive him!" shouted Rennin. "Understand! I'll send him to Holly myself when I get my hands on him. The fool!"

Rennin stormed home. "Morgan! Read this crock of crap!"

Morgan read the note. "Rennin, how could he?"

"I don't know, but I'm going to find him. When I do, I'm going to treat him just the way he's acting—like a spoiled, selfish, inconsiderate brat. I am going to kick his arse!"

"Rennin!" said Morgan.

"From here to sunrise!" Rennin finished as he slammed the door behind him.

"He has run away like a selfish little boy. I am going to find him and drag his worthless hide back. He has responsibilities. He was grown up enough to get married and make a baby. He is grown up enough to care for his own child. That is unless I do beat him to death. Then, I'll take Rowan and be his father. Damn that boy! What is he thinking?"

"He's not," said Ranson. "He's hurting. Rennin, let me go after Cameron. You're too angry. I can track him easily, and I can talk to him. I know his pain. Let me help this way. It's my turn to be your friend."

Rennin punched the barn door and brought blood to his own knuckles. "You're right, Ranson. I remember a fight I had with my father when I was young. He was angry and stubborn, and I thought I knew all the answers. The aftermath was disastrous although everything worked out in the end. Yes. Please, go after Cameron for me. When you find him, tell him…tell him I love him. Tell him this is not the way to solve his problem. Bring him back even if you have to hog tie him. Maybe you should take Donovan with you. He and Cameron have always been close."

"No, I'll go alone. Perhaps having some one who is not so close would be better for a change. I can be impartial although I plan to make him see how foolish he is to give up his son. I know, having thought I had lost Ryan. I'll talk some sense into him, Rennin."

Cameron sat by his campfire and stirred the venison stew on his plate. Although he had warmed it over the fire, he had toyed with it so long that the gravy had congealed once again. A twig snapped behind him. He jumped to his feet and fumbled in his pack for his gun.

"I'm not here to kill you," a voice in the dark said, "but you had better be glad I'm not Rennin."

"Alackaday!" shouted Cameron. "You scared the hell out of me, Ranson. Are you checking your traps?"

"No. I came to bring you something you forgot."

"Did Momma send you?"

"No. I volunteered to keep Rennin from killing you. He sent this to you." Ranson handed Cameron a bundle.

"What is it?"

"The trash you left behind."

Rowan squirmed and whined at being disturbed.

"My God! It's the baby. Why did you bring him to me?"

"Nobody wants your discarded refuse. Rennin figures this is your responsibility. You have to deal with it."

"Then, take him to Oliver or Anna. He's their nephew. They'll take care of him."

"Nay. They don't want to look at the monster that killed their baby sister everyday. God! How could you expect that of them?"

"He's a baby for God's sake."

"Yea. Yours. Oh, and Holly's." Ranson pushed the blanket back from Rowan's face. He said thoughtfully, "Have you ever noticed how he puckers his lips just like Holly used to when she was thinking? Oh, never mind." He wave a dismissive hand. "It's simple, Cameron. If you don't want him, leave him in the morning. He will either freeze or some wild animal will have a meal. Either way, the little murderer is out of your life, and nobody else has to mess with him either."

"Ranson, you can't be serious."

"If he were mine…"

"What would you do? Drown him?"

"No, I'd desert him, and let him grow up knowing his father didn't love him and was too self-centered to see beyond his own momentary pain," was Ranson's blistering response. Cameron gasped, and Ranson continued. "It doesn't matter. You do what you want, but I'd love him—the way I love Ryan because Tabitha is a part of Ryan. Look at your son, Cameron. Take care of him for a few hours. If you still don't want him, leave him to die rather than to grow up knowing you blamed him for his mother's death and despised him. If he captures your heart in the middle of the night, go home; or at least take him with you. Get a goat. Strain his milk, or keep Lahoma around. He'll be eating food soon enough. Good-bye." Ranson laid the wine skins of strained goat's milk he had brought at Cameron's feet. "I am sorely disappointed that you are not the man I thought you were." Ranson walked back toward Mom's Trading Post.

Rowan started to cry. Cameron called, "Ranson, wait. Don't leave me here alone with a baby. I don't know what to do."

"Feed him, change his diaper, and be sure to burp him." Ranson disappeared in the darkness, but he made a cold camp and kept watch over Cameron and Rowan.

Cameron stared helplessly at the bellowing baby he held. "Feed you? How?" Cameron looked in the bag at his feet and found the wind skins with animal skin nipples. "He brought you food. Of course, he did. He's a good father."

Cameron cradled Rowan and, even with so little practice, put a nipple to his lips. The baby sucked with force though he rooted at his father's shoulder at first. "I guess you were hungry. Leave you to die. Does he really think I'm that heartless? I left you with the greatest father in the world—your grandpa. Grandpa would move Heaven and Earth to take care of his children, possibly Hell, too." Cameron paused. "Grandpa. My Daddy."

Before Cameron realized what had happened, the bottle was empty. He thought aloud. "Burp. Rowan, you need to burp. Are you going to put half that milk back on me?" Cameron patted the baby's back. Rowan released a hearty burp and Cameron sat down. He laid Rowan back on his forearms with the baby's head in his hands.

Cameron stared at his son until the fire started to die. Holding the baby in one arm, he threw logs on the fire with the other. He sat back down with the baby. "Heaven help me! You look like your mother. You do pucker your lips like hers. What do I do, little one? I miss her so much."

Rowan made a little squealing sounds and kicked his legs. "Is that your answer? I should scream and kick?" Cameron surprised himself as he laughed. "Ranson is crazy. It's too cold for you out here."

Cameron changed Rowan and bundled him warmly. "I guess you'll have to sleep with me." Cameron went into the sealskin tent and snuggled under his blankets with Rowan nestled next to him. Rowan found his thumb, and both fell asleep.

Cameron woke early to little gurgling sounds. Rowan lay beside his father without crying.  Cameron sat up and ran his fingers through his long strawberry blond hair. Rowan kicked and gurgled. Cameron's tears splashed onto the little face, and Rowan shook his head and frowned. Cameron lifted the little boy and pulled him into his chest. He held he baby close and sobbed for a long time before he spoke. "I'm sorry, Rowan. It's not your fault. I am so sorry. Oh, baby, your momma was so perfect. She was wild and free and never let the burdens of life crush her. Even you. Look at you. You are so like her.  Let you freeze or be eaten, indeed! What do I do now? Do I go home and confess my folly and feel my father's fury?"

Rowan made his little squealing noise and kicked happily.

"Or do we leave?"

Rowan suddenly scowled and started to cry loudly.

"All right," said Cameron. "We'll go home, but first we'll eat and change clothes"

Cameron fed the baby and changed him. Cameron hastily ate some dried fruit and venison jerky, and then packed his knapsack. "Now, how did Ranson have you strapped on? Let's figure this out." Cameron slipped on the harness Ranson had devised. Rowan nestled against his father and slept. Cameron headed back to Mom's Trading Post.

1800s 

An hour later as Clayton and Caitlin lay snuggled together, still bubbling with joy, some one knocked at the door. Clayton dressed hurriedly but told Caitlin to take her time. Chen Li stood on the front porch. Clayton opened good-naturedly.

"Dr. Davies," Chen Li began immediately, "Mabel is in wabor. She wants you rather than Mr. Thomas because she knows you. Will you come?"

"Of course, I'll come. Go back and tell Mabel to be calm. I'm gathering my bag, and I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

Chen Li jogged back down the hill as Caitlin came downstairs. Clayton turned around. "It's Mabel's time. She wants me. Why don't you come along and share our news?"

Caitlin gathered her shawl and Clayton got his bag. They walked hand in hand to Rennin's house. Clayton went straight to Mabel's room while Caitlin had tea with Rennin and Rebekah. Rennin said, "Momma, you have been grinning since you walked through the door, and if you don't stop stirring that tea, I'm going to take it away. Start talking."

"Clay and I are having a baby," Caitlin announced triumphantly.

"That's wonderful," said Rennin.

Rebekah smiled sadly and hugged Caitlin. She said softly, "That is wonderful news. I bet Clay is overjoyed."

"He is ecstatic. This is absolutely the perfect way to set up a new home."

Before anyone could say another word, Gabriel, Michael, and Stanley charged through the house on the stick horses that Grandpa Clay had made for them.

Caitlin laughed, "I might be too old for this part."

"No," argued Rennin. Then, to the boys he said, "Boys, ride the horses outside."

"But we're firsty," grumbled Michael.

Rebekah said, "Then, tie the horses to the porch rail and come into Momma's tea room. I'll give you some milk, and I believe it's lunchtime. How about some chicken, apples, and raisin bread to go with the milk?"

"Sounds good to me," said Rennin.

"I'll be back in a bit," said Caitlin. "I'm going to see if Clay needs a nurse to help him. I can't stand being away from him for so long."

Rebekah pulled the roasting chicken from the oven where she had started it some time before. Then, she opened the breadbox and retrieved a loaf of raisin bread.

"Would you like me to slice the apples?" asked Rennin.

"No!" snapped Rebekah. "I can do it! I'm not totally helpless!"

"Honey, what's wrong?" asked Rennin, perplexed lines etching his brow.

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"Then, why do you sound so angry?"

Rebekah turned around and threw the bread at Rennin. "Because I am angry! Make your own damned lunch! Leave me alone!" Rebekah stormed out the back door, slamming it hard enough to rattle the glass windowpane. Rennin opened the door to see Rebekah gallop away on an unsaddled Jewel.

Caitlin came into the kitchen. "Rennin, were you and Rebekah fighting?"

With a look of dismay on his face, Rennin replied, "I don't know what we were doing. Rebekah has never behaved like that."

"Go after her, Rennin. I think I know what's going on. She's hurting. Think about it. I just told her I am having a baby. Rennin, I am forty-three, almost past childbearing years. She just turned twenty-one, yet she can't have any more children. It has hit her full in the face. Talk to her before bitterness can take root."

Rennin found Rebekah after over an hour of searching. She was face down in the dirt in the cave where Ike had held her hostage. Rennin knelt beside her and softly rubbed her back.

Rebekah sat up abruptly and screamed. "Don't touch me! Don't ever touch me again! Why would you want to?"

Tenderly, Rennin said, "Now, who is spouting gibberish?"

Rebekah dissolved into tears and fell into Rennin's outstretched arms. After her tears were spent, she whispered, "Rennin, I'm so ashamed. I'm angry. I'm jealous.  I'm ungrateful. I'm selfish. When Caitlin announced her news, she needed me to rejoice with her. All I could think was, 'She's old. I'm young. God, this is unfair.' Rennin, she deserves this happiness, and I'm jealous of her."

"She understands. She told me exactly what you're feeling."

"That's not all. I resent Keturah's having another child when she was warned not to. I'm appalled that a fifteen-year-old slave would be blessed with a child she did not want. I'm ungrateful for my two precious gifts and another priceless child that was handed to me on a silver platter. I'm not thankful for the greatest husband in the world. I'm angry. I'm hurt. It hurts so much. And, I'm angry with you. You've acted as if it doesn't matter to you. I've not seen you shed one tear for our dead baby. Why, Rennin? Why?"

"I'm sorry, Rebekah. I've mourned alone. After what I made you endure in Minnesota, I thought I needed to stay strong. I was trying to be strong for you. Forgive me for making you feel alone. I suppose I've been seething inside, being eaten up with my own anger and bitterness. I didn't want you to know how devastated I was. It was too hard to admit. I had begun to think you were resigned to our fate."

"I am in that I know it can't change, but I'm still hurting, Rennin. I don't want you to be strong. I want you to weep with me."

"I will from now on."

For a long time, Rennin and Rebekah sat silently, grieving together. After a while, Rebekah sighed. Then, she said, "I'm sorry I threw the bread at you."

Rennin snickered. "At least I caught it."

"Let's go home. I need to apologize to Caitlin and see if my newest godchild has been born."

"Are you ready for that?"

"No, but I have to face life. I only ask that if I feel like screaming, you scream with me. If I cry, cry with me. Grieve with me, and heal with me."

Cover by Christopher Chambers.

A pic of the only new character I've introduced--Ranson